I have always felt a call to some form of ministry, initially to missions work, ever since I was a little girl. Growing up, my church put a heavy emphasis on serving – locally and internationally – which was instilled into me. When I was in high school, at a church camp, I felt a call to vocational ministry. I didn’t quite know what that would look like considering I was in a dark place of depression and ridden with anxiety. I knew God had a call on my life but I didn’t yet trust it. (More on that in a later post!) As the years went by, I began to live into His call to ministry. I knew a woman that was a missionary living in a creative access country of Asia for a few years. She came back to the States for a period of time and essentially invited me to go overseas and serve with her! I was a senior in high school but decided to graduate early to go serve before college. I was so excited to experience the life of a missionary, serving in a college town and community center. The plan was to leave in February or March….of 2020. The new year rolled around and so did COVID. I was devastated and confused. God if this is Your call on my life, why can’t I do this? I was hurt and lost again. I spent the semester working in a hospital until I started college. My first year of college was a whirlwind but not where I felt was the best place to prepare me for ministry. I decided to leave, tried to pursue a study abroad program, but ultimately was unaware what I would do and if God was still calling me. I felt like I lost my call, my passion, my voice. I was hurt and lost, AGAIN. I didn’t know if I was even supposed to be in ministry. I moved to Kansas City and worked as a barista while doing school online. It was hard and I fell into depression again. Surely this isn’t what you want for me, God? I started going to a new church and began a journey to a beautiful community. I moved to a house with some girls from church, got involved in various roles at the church, and fell in love with Scripture again. I was healing, but I still didn’t know what God wanted to do with my life.
I have always said yes to God when I felt Him call me to something. Even in my darkest days when I didn’t know if He even knew me I would still do my best to obey Scripture, to pray – even if it was me angrily yelling at Him, to do the “right things.” I always said yes but then felt like He would rip the rug out from underneath my seemingly obedient feet. Why call me if You’re going to take it away, God? I still had a heart for ministry – I couldn’t see myself anywhere else – but what would that look like if God kept taking it away? I went back to how I felt God calling me as a child – a child-like faith, if you will. The call to missions. I began praying and thinking about it and decided this is what I should pursue. I’ve known people that have served with the World Race and so I trusted the organization because I trust them so I looked into it. There was an opportunity listed for a 4 month trip to Asia – perfect! That’s what I was supposed to do in 2020! I wrote in my prayer journal on 9/11/22 “Give me discernment. I want to hear Your voice and desires.” I kept praying about it and talking with a friend that did the 3 month trip throughout Africa. Even though it seemed perfect, I kept feeling a pull to the 11 month trip – THE World Race. I continued to wrestle with it for a while, praying for direction. I went to an all night worship and prayer service at my sister’s church out of town and felt the Holy Spirit move in me. I felt God just continue repeating the word DEPENDENCE. All the hesitations I had about committing to the 11 month route were based on fear. Live out of a backpack for a year? Leave my family for a year? My church and friends? What would I do when I got back? How will I be able to handle the anxiety? Dependence. All the times I had said yes to what God was calling me to, I pursued them out of my own will and through my own control. I said yes because I thought obedience was enough. I thought that’s what I had to do. I was lacking relationship with the Father. This time I said yes knowing I have zero control – the opposite, actually, because I want God to absolutely take over my life and plans. In my studies in the New Testament, I read Paul’s words in 2 Timothy 4:5, “As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of the evangelist, fulfill your ministry.” This is what we are all called to do in the Great Commission, this is what I am called to do. So I said yes, wholeheartedly, fears and all. His will, not mine.
